I'm not going to blog about how crazy my kids can make me, or how much I love them despite that. I'm not going to blog about excuses or meaningless justifications for my constant idleness.
Instead, I'm going to try to be like the humble duck: calm and serene in appearance but churning up a current under the water.
I've come to a crossroad where I see myself going one of two ways. One path is spending my time reading in bed starting at 730 pm, all my spare time researching online for ways to fill my unfilled heart (pinterest, genealogy research, aspirations of grandeur with no action). There is nothing wrong at all with those activities in and of themselves, but I get obsessed and can whittle away whole seasons with inactivity. I see this path leading to an even more unhealthy body, sedentary to the extreme, becoming a diabetic couch potato yelling at my kids from a bowl of chips. I'm pretty close to that path now.
The second path is one of activity and action. Constant action and not just planning for action. It doesn't mean there won't be room for the quiet hobbies that I love. In fact, I'm guessing I will have even more time and energy for my beloved sedentary activities. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I know I need to be doing the actions rather than the planning.
I say all these things like: "I want to be healthy for my kids. I want to feel better. I want to wear smaller, cuter clothes. I want to feel confident and strong." Each time I yoyo or go extreme in on way or another, I come out even more worn than before. WHY do I sabotage myself? Why can't I be like the duck right side up? I'm more like the upside down duck, flailing in public while being lazy under the water. It's time for a change. New habits. No more drowning.
